To thine own self be true

Our lives are beset by all manner of uncomfortable truths.  One of the more uncomfortable truths that I have had to learn - and it probably took longer than it should have for me to learn it - was that my love and enthusiasm for the things that interest me……will almost never be matched by other people.

At times, this has been a pretty bitter pill to swallow.   

I imagine that most of us have from time to time found ourselves being really excited about something - perhaps an achievement, an acquisition, an event, a decision - and have rushed to share our excitement with someone.  Such ‘someones’ are often close friends or family members - the people about whom we care and from whom we anticipate that understanding and a sense of mutuality will be readily forthcoming.

But this is often the case.

We’re all pretty complicated creatures and in any given moment on any given day, our mood and focus and sense of wellbeing can be (and usually is) in varying states of flux.  We can be beset by all manner of worries - real and imagined, minor and life-altering.  Our internal peace - indeed, our very sanity - can be hanging by a thread.

Consequently, the quality and quantity of our responses to external stimuli - e.g. another person attempting to share their excitement with us - can be……unreliable.

And once manifested, our responses can never really be taken back.  

A disappointing response can sometimes be partially mitigated.  Dialed back.  Explained and apologised for.  But ultimately, our response to another person’s attempt to share with us is a lot like a bullet: once fired, it’s not coming back.

The moment has passed.

When I began the work of recording the songs that become Shadows in the Shade, I consciously committed myself to doing so for myself and only for myself.  I was recording the songs and making the record……for me.

No one else.

This didn’t mean that I was going to keep the project a secret, or that I wasn’t going to share it with anyone.  That would just be dumb.

But what it did mean, was that the only opinion with which I was going to ultimately concern myself……was my own.

If someone else liked it: cool.  

If someone else disliked it: also cool.  

If no one cared to even notice……well, I probably wouldn’t notice either. 

My emotional investment in the opinions and responses of (most) other people, was going to be exactly nil.

If this sounds a bit cold and heartless………….well, perhaps it is.  But having known myself for some time now, I knew that such discipline was going to be absolutely critical if I was going to a) produce something that I was proud of, and b) genuinely enjoy the process of doing so.

As it turns out……that’s exactly what I did.

For far too much of my life, my sense of personal worth and accomplishment - artistic or otherwise - had been tied up in and contingent upon other peoples’ opinions and responses.

I knew that anything less than an iron-clad commitment to pleasing only myself, would eventually result in crippling self-doubt and second guesswork.  Creative bronchitis.

Ain’t nobody got time for that. 

In the end, irrespective of how excited we may be about something that we’re creating or otherwise involved in……everyone else is busy with their own lives, goals, problems, dreams, fears, cares and challenges.  Everyone else is busy with the things that they’re creating or otherwise involved in.  

And rightly so.